


I want you to know me

by Mimisempai



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Correspondence, Developing Relationship, Diary/Journal, First Meetings, Gift Exchange, M/M, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:21:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26226328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mimisempai/pseuds/Mimisempai
Summary: When Rafael receives a letter from the Soulmate Center at the age of 30 telling him that from now on he can send a gift to his soul mate once a year, of course he doesn't believe in it and the letter ends up in a drawer...But it was without counting -10 years later- a Sonny equal to himself who decided to act.A sweet correspondence ensues...between revelations and gifts...Prompts :-You can send one item to your soulmate every year-Get a hint once a year about who your soulmate is
Relationships: Nick Amaro/Mike Dodds, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 62
Collections: Barisi Soulmate Bingo





	I want you to know me

**October 24, 2000**

Lucia Barba heard the door open with a bang, footsteps pounding the floor and saw her son enter the kitchen brandishing an envelope.

"Mama, what's this all about?"

"Good morning my son, I'm glad to see you too."

"Yes, yes, sorry! Good morning mama." He continued, "what's this all about?"

He handed her the letter.

"Let me have a look."

Lucia Barba put on her glasses and began to read.

_Soulmate Center_  
_7 Heaven place 8th floor_  
_York NY 10007_  
_212-XXX-XXXX_  
_www.SMC.ny.us_

_Reachable at any time_

_October 24, 2000_

_Dear Mr. Barba,_

_You have now reached the age of 30._  
_This means that from today on, you can send a gift to your soulmate once a year and we will deliver it to them._  
_Important information to know :_  
_-Please avoid perishable goods._  
_-Very important: Your gift must include a clue about you whether it is about your physical appearance, who you are, your tastes etc..._

_For any additional information, do not hesitate to contact us._

_Please accept our best regards_

_Soulmate Center_

"Mama, is this thing serious?”  
Rafael was a rational (or logical) person, and found this really hard to believe.

"Oh yes my dear, very serious," she replied with half a smile, remembering the letter she had received at the age of 30.

"Who could be stupid enough to do something like that. I won't do it. Sending stuff that reveals things about me to a stranger? Not even in their dreams!”

He threw the letter on the kitchen table and slammed the door. His mother heard him leave, shaking her head.  
She picked up the letter, put it back in the envelope, and carefully put it away in her desk drawer, which contained important papers.  
For 10 years the letter remained untouched at the bottom of the drawer.

March 01, 2010

After celebrating in a bar with some colleagues after a success at work, Rafael was going home.  
When he arrived at the door, he found a small package in front of his door.  
He took it, intrigued because he rarely received packages and did not remember ordering anything.  
He looked at the sender's address on the package:

Soulmate Center  
7 Heaven place 8th floor  
York NY 10007

A little unsettled, he hurried inside, he was now eager to open the package.  
It was a small binder bound like an old diary.  
He opened it, and was surprised to find inside a letter written in a somewhat messy handwriting.  
His surprise grew as he read it.

_Dear Soulmate (It's a bit weird I know)_

_I know I'm supposed to give a present that will reveal something of who I am, but I would so much like to give you something that you can enjoy as well._  
_So I thought I would try to bend the rules. If you're getting this note, it means it worked. (After all they didn't say the length of the clue)_  
_I propose, if of course you agree, to exchange through this diary, on our lives and who we are once a year, accompanied by a gift (to satisfy the Soulmate Center)._  
_If you agree, you will tell me in your answer when you want me to answer._  
_Not knowing if you are going to answer, I only give one clue and do not write anything in the diary. So that you can at least use it even if you won't answer._

_Here's the clue: I'm an Italian man. (see it's easy to give two clues in one)_

_If you don't answer, I still wish you a good life!_

_Best wishes._

_S._

Rafael, although he refused to admit it, was touched by this letter.  
To say the least, his 'soul mate' was interesting.  
He poured himself a drink and sipped it on his balcony, wondering what he was going to do. Not finding an answer, he decided to go to bed, thinking, as the old saying goes, that he will sleep on it.

The next morning he decided to play the game.  
He will write in the diary, whenever and whatever he wants. He gave himself until June to send it to his 'soulmate' and that would allow him to see for himself if it was something he would really like to continue.

_March 15, 2010_

_Dear S._

_I wonder what first name is behind this letter._  
_I had an idea, I guess what could be your first name and in the next letter you will tell me if I have found it. I guess Sebastian to begin._

_March 30_   
_I continue 15 days later. I don't have a minute to myself, cases keep piling up on my desk. But I can't afford to be lax, everyone wants my place. I only live on coffee and snacks._

_I'm curious about the first clue you gave me about you? Is it because you are proud your origin? I wouldn't blame you, I'm Cuban by origin myself. (and a man too)_

_April 27_   
_April has almost passed when I write now. The situation has improved a little since I no longer need to prove myself, I feel that my boss respects me a little more. Well, after all, he can, I have the best success rate. Since I've been hired, I've only lost two cases._

_May 16_   
_It's mid-May now, and I feel like I haven't seen the spring. I'm on my balcony as I write. I wonder what your reaction will be when you read this nonsense. Well, you wanted it after all._  
_Today I needed to drink, I just had my mother on the phone for an hour, she is trying to set me up with one of her students again. But I managed to get away with lying, after all that's part of my job._

_June 19_   
_Here we are two days before the summer solstice, and I decided to send the diary accompanied by a small present, not having too many clues about you I hope you will like it anyway._  
_I suggest that I send it in June and you in December, that way, that leaves us each 6 months._  
_I don't honestly know where it will lead us, but let's leave it be, it seems entertaining in any case._

_I hope this message finds you in good health._  
_Looking forward to a reply and your opinion on the gift._

_Yours sincerely._

_R. (Your turn to guess my first name)_

_June 22nd, 2010_

_Dear R(ay?)_

_No it's not Sebastian, far too refined for me. Good idea by the way._

_Thank you very much for the gift, I love it! This mug where I can write whatever I want on it, it's just awesome, I might as well tell you that my colleagues really had a lot of fun with it. I've written things like: 'Don't touch or you're dead' or 'Coffee I need or kill you I will' (I hope you'll get the reference of the second one)._

_So I will continue by reacting to several points of your message._  
_I tried to deduce from it what your occupation was. After all, it's part of the job I do, investigating. I was wondering if you were a notary or a lawyer (You don't have to answer, I know we are almost strangers)._

_I confess I am proud to be Italian. Even though I've never lived in Italy, or even visited Italy (I know it sucks) I have it in my heart. Probably because my Nonna has talked to me about her country since I was old enough to understand. I have this nostalgia in me, I hope that one day I could go there and see with my own eyes all that she spoke to me about. I am curious now, do you feel the same way about Cuba? I know that the story is not the same._

_I am happy to see that your professional situation is improving, I hope that the gift I intend to send will help you too._

_I am lucky, I have three sisters, two of whom are older than me, so my mother is leaving me alone for now with marriage candidates. I hope it lasts._  
_But how old are your mother's students so that she tries to set them up with you? Are these girls aware of it?_

_July 28_   
_I'm very busy because I'm accumulating overtime so that I can finance my night school. I didn't write until now, because when I'm tired, I tend to be uninhibited so I risk writing everything that comes into my head. I don't want you to stop our correspondence because of the inanities I would write._  
_I'm super happy I'm going to be an uncle for the second time! Gina my older sister is having a baby! I'm so happy! (I know I repeat myself a lot.)_

_August 27_   
_It's already the end of summer and I didn't even have a vacation. It will surely be in another life._

_October 31_   
_Today, I'm writing to you while I'm still dressed as Han Solo... yes it's October 31st and I promised my sister to accompany a group of children from the school where she teaches. My pockets are full of Candy corn. (I love them sooo much). In case you didn't understand, I'm a Star Wars fan._

_December 2_   
_Yesterday the snow started to fall and I realized that winter was here. My head is so full of work that I can't see anything. I don't even have the courage to go out with my friends anymore. They say that I am too serious, but I don't care, it's my life after all._

_December 21_   
_Here we are a few days away from Christmas, it's the right time to send you this package._

_I too hope that this message will find you in good health and that you eat a little better than just coffee and snacks._

_I wish you and your family a wonderful holiday season._

_Tell me what you think of this gift too._  
_I'd like to hear from you._

_Yours._

_S._

_January 1, 2011_

_Dear S(teve?)_

_Failed for Ray. (There are names that sound more Cuban, don't you think?)_

_Thank you for this very nice gift, please know that I'm using it right now._  
_This thermos and the Cuban coffee provided with it is a gift from heaven. On the other hand it doesn't help my addiction to this beverage. Of course the snacks have been eaten for a long time..._

_You guessed right, I'm a lawyer. But I won't say any more about it for now._

_I completely understand how you feel about Italy. As you said, you know the history, so the reasons I missed my country are not the same for me. I don't have the same hope of seeing Cuba as you do with Italy, even though I am proud of my roots. I wish for you to visit Italy, I was in Tuscany the summer of my 16th birthday and it is still a wonderful memory._

_I don't know how you will take what I'm about to tell you, but the students my mother wants to set me up with are men. I am gay. I'm not hiding it, but I don't want you to feel uncomfortable either. So feel free to talk about it next time._

_I think I read that you wrote something about a baby in your letter, but I chose to ignore it. Let's just say I have a selective memory. (You understand with that how deep my love for babies is of course…)_

_I'm curious what night school classes do you want to pay for and what profession allows you to work so much overtime? But I'm returning what you told me, you don't have to answer._

_It is time to answer the most important point of your letter! So you are a fan of Star Wars. What would you say if I told you that I have them on videotape, dvd and blu ray because I don't want to miss any version...? So yes, I understood your reference right away. And no I'm not your father..._

_February 28_   
_Almost two months since I wrote._  
_I had to go through a difficult family situation, but now we see the end of the tunnel, I was not in good shape to continue writing. My father passed away and to make a long story short, let's just say we didn't have a great relationship.I don't want to talk about it yet, it's too heavy a subject when we barely know each other._  
_Are you still so immersed in work?_

_March 21_   
_The first day of spring, another season that flew by at lightning speed! To think that it's been a year since we started this correspondence._  
_Honestly thank you for writing the first time. Thanks to you I have something to look forward too._

_April 15_   
_Tomorrow night I'm going to have dinner with a friend and professional rival: Rita. She is extremely annoying and provokes me all the time. But she is also my only confidant. We went to law school together and without her and our mutual support, I don't know if I would have made it. We plan a meeting once a year to make sure we see each other at least once and by mutual agreement, we don't talk about work._

_June 15_   
_Already in mid-June...dinner with Rita was all I needed to distract me, she set her sights on the waiter AND the waitress. I was a spectator. A delight! She made short work of them. Then she kept on teasing me about my costume and my fashion sense._  
_With that amusing anecdote, I conclude this message_

_Now that I know you a little better, I could do better for the gift, I hope you will like it._

_I wanted to come back to something you wrote, you seemed to fear that if you write inanities, I would stop our correspondence. I would really like you to feel reassured, feel really free to write whatever comes to your mind. I'm not the kind of person to judge._

_Friendly._

_R._

_June 23rd, 2011_

_Dear R(aúl?),_

_Steve...? An Italian guy named Steve? Seriously?_

_Grazie mille !!! The gift it's just perfect ! The figurine of Han Solo looks perfect displayed next to my Star Wars blu ray collection_  
_So I'm also super happy that we share this passion!_

_Another common point, I'm gay too. When I told you that I'm happy that my mother cares actually more about my sisters, it's because my family is Catholic and therefore it's a bit of a taboo subject. They accepted me, but that's all. I am not allow to speak about it openly in front of other family members. I have no intention of hiding though, so they will have to get used to the idea._

_To answer your question, I'm going to take law classes at Fordham. I am currently a patrol officer._

_You can talk to me about anything too. You gave me something to look forward to._

_You made me want to get to know Rita! She sounds super funny! The waiter AND the waitress?! I really would have loved to see that!_

_December 17_   
_It's already December, I didn't have the courage to write to you before. I don't get along very well with my colleagues and even less since they got wind of my sexual orientation. I think I'm just tolerated...the same as with my parents finally, except that my parents don't show it to me. Here, at work I can see that I am not appreciated. Sometimes I feel like I always have to fight for acceptance. Maybe you like me just because you've never met me._  
_If I want to meet you someday, remind me it's not a good idea._

_But forget that, since you seem to be on the same diet all the time, here is a gift that I hope will help you make it better. Otherwise I'll come and cook for you!_

_Always friendly._

_S._

_December 28, 2011_

_Dear S(ergio?) - Is that Italian enough?_

_Yes, my name could have been Raúl, but no, it's not._

_I'm going to start right away with to answer the end of your message._  
_I told you that you could write everything to me and I meant it! So if you need to write anything down even bad, even sad, do it._  
_Even if the answer takes time, you'll see, just writing things down will help you see more clearly._

_I really think you should change departments and perhaps you've already done it as I write this. Get transferred somewhere else. It's been 6 months and it will be almost a year when you receive this message, you can't continue under these conditions. Your job is difficult enough as it is. You deserve better than to be tolerated._  
_If one day you trust me enough, I won't stop you from meeting me. I think I am a good judge of people, and from the first letter you sent me, I felt that you were someone worth knowing._

_Then, thank you for this book: "30 healthy snack recipes to stay in shape", it's just great, so much that Rita bought the same one! By the way, you talked about cooking, you can cook? Don't you want to change jobs? I'll hire you full time!_

_As far as your sexual orientation is concerned, I have no problem talking about it, I don't hide it, but I don't shout it from the rooftops either. I can't afford to hide it, it would give power to my opponents. Generally speaking, I have to be transparent._

_What a surprise to learn that you are going to take law classes, and at Fordham too! I want to know everything now! What made you choose this?_  
_You have to tell me!_

_May 10_   
_I have a new position since February which explains the time it took me to continue the message, I work with a special police unit for victims of sex crimes and I like it very much even if it's a bit unsettling at first._  
_The lieutenant of the unit is quite a badass, but it seems to catch on. The other members of her team are pretty nice. I think we're going to do a good job together._

_June 17_   
_My last message before I send you the diary._  
_Don't laugh at my gift, it's supposed to encourage you and keep you company in difficult times. I'd like to see your reaction when you see what it is._  
_Next week is our annual meeting with Rita. I'm going to tell her about you because you've become as important a friend as she is. Even though we haven't (yet) met._

_With my sincere and faithful friendship._

_R._

_June 21, 2012_

_Dear R(uben?)_

_Sergio, very Italian but no, still missed._

_I didn't laugh, I literally cried when I opened the package. A stuffed Chewbacca. It's just too adorable. Thank you so much!_  
_That plus your message did me a lot of good!_

_In the meantime I've changed departments and I've been working in Homicide for the past two months, but I don't think I'm going to stay there. The team is pretty nice, but I don't feel like I’m helping people, it's too late when we are coming, the victims are already dead._  
_I took an oath to protect, but who am I protecting here?_

_Yes I can cook. My Nonna taught me all her secrets. Among other things how to make lasagna and tiramisu perfectly! If that doesn't work out in my new department, I will seriously consider your job offer._

_About being gay, the problem is that as always nobody reacts the same way. Here at homicide, they seem pretty open-minded and leave me alone, we just don't talk about it. But that's the case with everyone in this squad, they're not the type to share details about their private life and I don't mind because I don't have anything to talk about, no private life._  
_I wondered, when you say you have to be transparent, if your function is rather public? Are you by any chance a prosecutor?_

_To answer your question about why I choose law school, it's quite simple, I'm passionate about the law and I want to know more about it. If that can help me in my job, it's a great bonus!_

_Considering the way you're talking about you work with a Special Victims Unit, I guess I was right about your position. I'm glad you like it. When I started working with victims in my course, I was very interested, in fact this unit is what I see when I think about my oath to protect._

_I look forward to reading what Rita thinks of our special 'relationship'. I want the details!_

_December 22_   
_I am writing to the end of December after having gone through three different departments and I am really starting to despair. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't feel like I'm bad at my job though? It's true that I'm a bit of a loudmouth and that I like to talk about my night classes (which I started in September by the way). But it's just because I'm passionate about it, I don't do it to blow people's minds. I wonder if one day I will find a place where I will be accepted._

_So I'll stop feeling sorry for myself and present you with my wonderful gift._  
_Since you have been serious about your nutrition, according to what you have written, this gift is to reward you for being a good boy._  
_Enjoy!_

_In fact every time I write to you, I feel that we are getting closer and closer. Sometimes I like to dream that we will meet one day. But soon reason takes over and I put that dream back in its place. It's just a dream._

_Once again I wish you a happy holiday season!_

_Friendly._

_S._

_December 26, 2012_

_Dear S(amuel?)_

_Ruben?! Did you drink too much when you wrote?_

_You must have been drinking too when you chose this gift! Are you crazy or what?! A one year subscription with a monthly credit of $50 at snacksoftheworld.com?!! Do you know how many snacks I can buy with 50$ ?! Thank you from the bottom of my heart._

_That brings me to the next point._  
_S. (grrr I want to know your first name) the way you choose each gift for me gives me a glimpse of the exceptional person you seem to be. Even if you think it's a dream, I'd really like to meet you. There, I said it. It's in your hands now. Your decision. Know that I wouldn't blame you either if you don't want to._  
_Wait, wrong! I would blame you because I would never be able to taste your Nonna's lasagna and tiramisu!_

_I understand your thoughts about your work. I must admit that that's why working with SVU is really exciting, I really have the feeling that we can make a better world. Even if it's very hard too because you discover the darkest side of mankind. You guessed right, I am a prosecutor. I love my job and even more now. I'm glad to know that you are passionate about the law and I would love to talk to you about it more._

_June 17_   
_I voluntarily let a few months go by before continuing this message because I wanted to give myself time to reflect before writing you what will follow._

_You say that you have no private life, do you mean never, or right now? I know I'm curious. Again, you don't have to answer. But since I promised myself to be as sincere as possible with you. Since and even before the first message, I haven't had anyone in my life, romantically speaking. I don't know if you're ready to hear this, but I feel that there is a strong connection between us and that there could be more if we gave ourselves the opportunity._  
_I hope that my candor won't be too overwhelming for you._

_Now I get to my final proposal. I don't know where you'll be when you get this message, but hearing about your professional setbacks has given me an idea since I've been in this unit. Why don't you come to the SVU where I work? I told you the team is nice and I'm sure you would be accepted without any problem._  
_So the ball is in your court._  
_One last thing, our potential relationship and your potential new job are two different things. On won't jeopardize the other, I promise you that._

_About my gift, well, you'll see!_

_Good luck in everything you do. And above all, have confidence in yourself!_

_Yours._

_R._

_PS: I dared to write you all of this thanks to Rita!_

_June 21, 2013_

_Dear R._

_I don't want to play guessing games anymore because I want to know your first name next time._  
_Your message and the gift touched me so much._  
_This key ring in the shape of the scales of justice with the S engraved on it is so wonderful! I carry it with me all the time of course! Thank you so much!_

_I want to be as sincere as you are._  
_Apart from a few one-night stands, I've never really had a relationship and nothing at all since we started to correspond. I felt this connection too but I was afraid it was only on my side. I'm so insecure right now. I don't want to disappoint you._  
_But if I'm sincere like you are then I have to say I'm dying to meet you._

_When you wrote that you would like to talk about the law with me, I was so pleased. Because outside of class I can't talk about it with anyone. My fellow cops don't care and the lawyers look down on me._

_December 24_   
_Like you, I decided to let a lot of time go by before finishing this message._  
_In the meantime I have changed departments again and I already know that I won't stay there, so yes I really want to join the svu team you work with. But more than that, I would like to meet you first._  
_I want us to meet for the first time outside of a professional context._  
_No need to wait 6 months to answer me. Your date, your place, your time will be mine._  
_I have the feeling that if I don't take this chance now, I won't have another one._

_With all my heart, yours._

_Sonny_

_Ps: Give Rita a kiss for me._

______

With a soft smile on his lips, Rafael gently closed the diary, taking care not to make sudden movements. He didn't want to disturb the blond head who was sleeping on his lap.

He had gotten into the habit of rereading their shared diary on each anniversary of their first meeting.  
Even if he was doing it for the tenth time now, he never got tired of it. Sometimes he wondered if things would have gone the same way if he had taken his first letter seriously 20 years ago. But soon he put that idea aside, things were perfect as they were.

He delicately brushed a strand of hair off the face of the person who had been sharing his life for a little less than ten years, and mindlessly caressing the soft hair, he continued his journey of remembrance.

He remembered as if it was yesterday when Sonny arrived at the café where they had decided to meet for the first time.  
Rafael had been horrified inside by the moustache, the amount of gel in the hair and the horrible taste of the clothes, but the kind blue eyes, the frank handshake and the dimpled smile had quickly made him forget all of that.  
Sonny was, as in his messages, funny, clever, attentive, and that kindness that Rafael had felt in the first letter, the one that made him decide to answer, shone constantly in his eyes and his smile.

It didn't take long for Rafael to fall under the spell.

A week after this meeting, Sonny started working in the Manhattan SVU.  
To the great surprise of those around them - he would never forget Olivia's face when they announced it - two months later they moved in together. After all they had corresponded for almost 3 years and since they first met, they had seen each other almost every day.

Sonny had asked him not to treat him any differently from his colleagues. Rafael had to say that he had put his heart into it, because seeing Sonny pouting or looking bothered every time Rafael made a snarky remark to him was really enjoyable.  
Then came the moment when even if Rafael remained partial, he could no longer react in the same way, because with the maturity Sonny had acquired, Rafael could no longer find anything to be snarky about even in a fake way. Sonny's help and support had been more than worthwhile. Rafael enjoyed working on his cases with him. Sonny had that special view on life and on people that had made him the exceptional lawyer he was now.  
They had had discussions about the law, as Rafael had wished for in his message. Sonny had such a thirst for knowledge and for sharing what he learnt that their discussions were always exhilarating for Rafael.

They had continued to give each other gifts at the same time of year as when they began their correspondence.  
And he would never forget their identical expressions of surprise and joy the year they gave each other an engagement ring.

Much to his mother's delight, they married the following year, with Rita as witness for Rafael and Mike for Sonny.

Sonny loved Rita and she was a great match for him. It was the first time Rafael had ever seen someone disarm her like that. It was Sonny's magic at work. After all, Rafael had succumbed to the first letter.  
Rafael was now dreading the annual dinner with Rita, because between her and Sonny, he ended up a laughing stock.

He had been happy to see Sonny thrive at SVU. The young man immediately got along with the chief's son, Mike Dodds, who took him under his wing. He was about the same age as Sonny and knew the difficulties he had gone through in his previous workplaces.  
He too had to fight for acceptance. And for him too, his arrival at the Manhattan SVU had changed everything. He had now been Olivia's right hand man for 8 years and had been living with Nick Amaro, a former SVU colleague who had kept in touch with the squad, for almost as long.

This was surely the strength of the unit, more than colleagues, they were all a family that Sonny and Rafael were happy to be a part of.  
This made it less difficult for both of them to leave their respective work places to run their own law firm.  
They now dealt mainly with hate crimes and for the good of their souls - as Sonny said - they regularly took pro bono cases.  
And now after three years of hard work to make a name for themselves without taking a break, they had decided to take a month's vacation.

Rafael breathed a big sigh of contentment.

"Are you finished with your journey of remembrance?"

Sonny had turned his head towards him.

"For now," Rafael replied, lowering his gaze to him.

"No regrets?"

"None at all."

"Then kiss me, dear R."

"How can I refuse such a request, dear S."

Rafael hastened to obey, memorizing this minute of happiness and adding it to all those that had accumulated over 10 years.  
One more to remember next year.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Sarahcakes613 for the beta reading as always !


End file.
